It has been a few months since I have posted anything. I try not to get down on myself for not being able to keep up with this blog, with my writing, or just life in general. You see, I suffer from major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and general anxiety disorder. It’s been difficult for me to write every day. I’m just getting back into it and I’m working on a book about my experience with depression and anxiety.
It has been years since I’ve been where I am now. I have tried so many medications and been hospitalized multiple times. All of which never really helped me. So ECT, or shock therapy was suggested so I tried that but had to stop because it was causing issues with my memory. I did start to feel better after the treatment so I was bummed thinking ECT was it. That there was nothing more and I was just going to have to live with severe depression somehow. I didn’t want to remain in the dark pit where I was thinking suicidal and homicidal thoughts that I struggled to control. I started cutting myself which is something I have never done before. I now have scars on my left arm that I am not proud of.
But then ketamine treatments were suggested. “Why not? I don’t have anything to lose.” I didn’t feel I did. I’ve tried everything else and I wanted to get better for my family. I wanted to enjoy them. I wanted to know what it was like to enjoy time with them, especially my two kids.
So I went in to have the ketamine treatment which is given through IV. It takes forty minutes for the total infusion and wow! I understand why people like this stuff. It made me feel like my body was numb to the point I couldn’t feel myself breathe or feel my lips move when I talked. I saw things that were quite psychedelic and everything I heard was distorted. This was my first “trip”. And to think I would have to go through more of these treatments as there are four treatments to start with. But each time I went the side effects lessened. AND…guess what? I started to feel better and my in laws said they finally got to know who their son married after twelve years of my being in a depression. I had energy and was thinking clearly and yes, I was enjoying life and wow! I knew what it was like to actually enjoy everything I was doing.
With ketamine treatments I can have them every three months. But at one month out from my last treatment, I noticed I started to feel down more and more often. The ketamines were not last three months. I was sinking again. I was so scared but I kept my faith and prayed a lot. Not to mention cried a lot when I prayed. I just did not want to go back down into a dark depressive whole.
But on January 15, 2018 I started my second round of ketamine infusions. This time around it’s going to be different. I’m going to get two treatments, then wait two weeks; have two more treatments, wait two weeks, and then have the last two treatments and then wait three months. By doing this the doctor is hoping the ketamines will last longer. But at my next appointment which is coming up on the 31st, I have to have a meeting with the doctor as she wants to know how well the ketamines are working. To be honest I can’t imagine not having the ketamines. I think it would give me wicked anxiety if she stopped the treatments to try something else. I don’t think that is going to happen so I’m going to just not think about that. lol.
Seriously though. This is what I have been going through and I have been trying to find my creativity throughout this whole thing. I think I’m just so down on myself for having a mental illness and what I have to keep going through and what I’m putting my family through that I just shut everything else off, like my creativity. So now I am working on getting that back. My current project is a book about my experiences with mental health and the experimental treatments. I have been struggling with even getting the first chapter done. But I’m not going to stop. I have to keep going. I don’t like quitting things.
If you have a mental illness and are working on a book, are you struggling as I am? Or is your writing going okay?