Well my friends, here I am again. It seems that after a long battle with post traumatic stress, depression and anxiety, I was able to talk to someone today that agreed that I was “stuck” in not knowing what to do to help myself. I thought reading books on depression, grief, etc.. would be helpful, but every time I went to read one I would feel dread, a pit in my stomach, and I felt overwhelmed and my brain screamed “I don’t want to do this!”. But what else could I do to help myself understand some of what I have been through in order how to deal with thoughts and feelings I get each day and help myself move forward. Well, talking to this gentlemen, he did indeed say that I was stuck and said that the feelings I was getting toward those books was basically telling me they were not the right tools for me helping me move forward. Instead, they were acting like and anchor holding me back and that when I did read them, it was as if someone was stirring the pot keeping my thoughts and emotions at the surface, never allowing me to move on and focus on the present instead of the past, that I just want to learn from and now that I have, move on from.
I have learned that I am in a place now to move forward with my life. That the anxiety I have been feeling on a daily basis, is an anxious excitement at the positive energy in my life where before there was mostly negative. There is positive energy in the way of support, love, caring, family closeness, enjoyment of family life (that I felt I never had before). I feel I have a sense of freedom and can fly. I prayed today, thanking Jesus for dying for my sins, for setting me truly free and allowing me to soar.
It is now my time for self discovery and I am moving away from writing. Writing was with me and useful when my mother passed away and I had a lot of emotions I need to get out and for years I wrote. But now that things are good in my life and I have worked through issues of my past, I no longer feel the need to write, nor really the desire.
Now the question is, now that I’m not writing as a career, what do I do? What are my likes, dislikes? How do I go about finding out? Well, I have a list of interests and I guess I just will go with it until I find one thing, or maybe a few things to do in my spare time.
I have really gotten into photography lately so that is one thing I am going to continue and love taking videos.
My VERY FIRST love in life when I was 3 was singing in front of the church congregation and they couldn’t get the microphone away from me. In school, I was always in chorus from elementary levels into high school. And I still love to sing. My father sings and plays piano, my daughter loves to sing and dance. So…why not try learning more about writing music and so forth. And strengthening my vocals. I bought a program called EarMaster 5 but have not tried it yet. Guess it is supposed to help you tune your hearing with musical notes as well as help you tune your voice. So shall be interesting.
Then there is art. I have always admired artists and wondered what it would be like to learn to sketch or paint. Guess I’ll never know until I try. When I was younger I could look at things and draw pretty good copies of them, so maybe that is still in me somewhere.
I also love the theater and have always fantasized what it would be like to be up there on stage acting out a wonderfully written play! But, knowing me, I’d probably be too scared to do this, but I have surprised myself before. Never know what you can do with God on your side. Life’s full of surprises!
Then, another curiosity, my husband had gotten me into a year or two back, and that is learning to program in Java. I started reading a book called “Learn to Program in Java” by John Smiley. I started picking it up pretty easily enough, but never really got into it due to the whole writing thing. Thing is, what would I program even if I became good enough?
Well, I guess that is a start of things. Now, what should I rename my blog? What should I rename my page on Facebook…actually I may have to create a totally new one if I want to have a photography or artist page. Should I create a whole new blog too? I would hate to have to do that but just continue this one so as years go by, we can see how I have changed and grown through the years.
If you have any suggestions on things for me to try out I’d love to hear them! Oh, I did try Zumba today! Boy did that kick my butt! lol
Well, I’ll be chatting with you all again shortly!